Heirloom Birth and Family Education » Blog

Note: I support breastfeeding toddlers and the practices of Attachment Parenting. These are both things I have chosen for my own family, and my opinions about the practices themselves have nothing to do with how I feel about this article.

Last week, we mamas worked hard. Some of us shared our body with a baby growing inside. Others waited anxiously for paperwork or court decisions so that we could bring a baby into a loving home. Some of us grieved over lost children or children we couldn’t conceive. We cried, laughed, wiped noses, and dug deep to find the courage we needed.

We wrestled with the big questions, like what it means to care for a small, dependent human and still have our own needs met. We wondered if we were making the right choices, striking the right balance between work and home life.

We bottle fed, we breastfed, we fed with spoons, we fed with Supplemental Nursing Systems. We nursed babies, we nursed toddlers, and sometimes both. We bottle fed because we needed to or because we chose to. At the end of the day, we all prayed it would be enough. We hoped that somehow our best efforts and shortcomings would somehow add up to meet the needs of the precious souls we’ve been entrusted with. We also prayed that we could hold onto our own selves in the process.

And then we woke up to this. Someone had found a way to make money off of our biggest question. They also found a way to pit us against each other using the most divisive tools: labeling and categorizing.

This cuts deep for me. Maybe it’s because I’m tired of the media exploiting what I think is one of the most vulnerable positions in our culture: motherhood. (By the way, my friend Beth wrote a beautiful post here about the mommy wars and the deep pain of feeling judged for our parenting decisions). Maybe it’s because I can picture the faces of the sweet, expectant parents in childbirth class and how badly I want them to be able to enter into parenting hearing their own strong voice, and not being plagued with self doubt.

I suspect that it might also have something to do with my own journey as a mother, and what it has meant for me to wrestle with the very same question that was posed on the cover of the magazine. I know what it means to stare that question in the face and let it take your to a dark place and back again. I’ll write that story another time, or maybe I should say that it is currently being written as I am still in the middle of it.

For now I’ll say that being a mother has brought deeper gifts into my life than I ever thought possible, but not in the ways I had anticipated. What has surprised me, what has knocked me off my feet is realizing that the real gift of motherhood has been found in the middle of struggle, not in finding a way to get things right. I’ve had to take a deep look at what I believe about unconditional love and acceptance and if I can apply it to myself as well as my son. I’ve had to redefine what it means to me to be a good mom and face the realization that nobody wins if one of us is run down. My story as a mama has been about struggle, therapy, vulnerability, and coming home to myself when I didn’t even know how lost I was.

If, like me, you’ve looked in the mirror and found that you are a tired, flawed version of the shiny mom you hoped you would be, please know this: you are still enough for your kids! You are still enough for yourself! If you feel like you’re falling and looking for a soft place to land, that’s ok! If you’re struggling, welcome to the club! You might just find that the beautiful parts of life and parenting are in the middle of the fall or waiting for you at the bottom.

Inside you have everything you need. You have the resources to create the life that you want for you and for your kids. If you need some help uncovering them, that’s ok! If you’ve lost sight of who you are, don’t worry! You haven’t gone so far that you can’t be found. The space to breath and to love yourself might be closer than you think.

And in answer to Time Magazine’s question, “Are you mom enough?” Yes I am! Yes you are! Yes we are! We are flawed, we are learning, but we are doing our best with what we have been given. Our children see that and they thrive. Not because we are perfect, but because we are real.

On Mother’s Day today, I wish you peace as you find your own answers. Maybe together as moms and people who care about moms, we can redefine what it means to be “enough” for the people that we love and for ourselves.

(This is my belly about two years ago. Photo credit: Heather Espana.)

Today I’m doing a lot of reflecting and preparing for my new class series, “Birth as a Journey.” I love this title for so many reasons.

A journey is not the same as a destination.

It means you haven’t already arrived and that’s ok. There is no pressure to know everything or have all the answers. You are a traveler, in the middle of something new and exciting. There is a lot of unknown stretching out before you but there is also plenty of time to learn. There is time to change directions and start a new path, or to continue boldly on the path you’ve already chosen. There is time to look inside yourself and find out what you really want and need. Most of all, there is time to dig deep and find the strength and wisdom you already have!

Here is a list I made of 10 tips for a more fulfilling journey.

1) It helps to bring along great people!
2) You are the one who belongs in the driver’s seat.
3) It’s good to know what you’re bringing along as baggage.
4) It’s important to learn to read your own compass.
5) You’ll want to be wise about who you take directions from.
6) There is no right or wrong path (only the one that is right for you).
7) Tell others about where you have been and where you are headed.
8 ) Any road you take will have some bumps, road blocks, and unexpected turns.
9) Don’t be so busy planning your route that you forget to look at the scenery.
10) THROW YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR AND ENJOY THE RIDE!.

Love,
Leah

I’m excited to announce my second childbirth class for the Newberg community (and the surrounding areas). I’m calling this class “Birth as a Journey.” I want to invite any expectant parents who want to prepare for their own unique journey. The class meets every Monday night from 6:00-8:30 pm for the duration of seven weeks. Email me (leah@heirloombirth.com) for more info or to register.

Here are the details:
Start date: Monday, May 7th (continuing for seven weeks)
Time: 6:00-8:30 pm
Location: Youth Room at North Valley Friends Church.
Cost: Sliding scale $75-$100 + the cost of a book that you can purchase or borrow before coming to class (cost varies depending on if you buy it used or new).

*Mamas are welcome to come with or without a partner!
*All birth choices are welcome and accepted: hospital births, home births, birth center births, or those still trying to decide.
*This will be a safe place!

This class is for anyone who is expecting a baby and wants a safe place to process feelings, fears, hopes and ideas surrounding the birth process. We will do things like birth art, free writing, bonding activities for couples, watching videos, and lots of discussion/storytelling.

Topics include:
Making empowered choices
The biological process of birth
Trusting your body
Uncovering your own birth wisdom
Pain coping/comfort techniques
Hopes/Fears/Feelings/Ideas about birth
Breastfeeding
Postpartum and newborn care
And lots more!

I want to note that while this is called a “class,” it doesn’t fit a traditional class model. In other words, it’s not a place where you come to take notes while I dump information on you. I’m not really much of a teacher, but rather a facilitator or support person. There will be some lecture/information component, but the bulk of the class is discussion and activity. I don’t think anyone can tell you how to give birth, but together we can uncover the strength and knowledge that we already have in our bodies and in our hearts. Come ready to participate and teach me more than I will teach you!

Let me know if you have questions! There are currently two sweet couples signed up for this class. If this seems like a good fit for you, we’d be honored to have you come share your journey with us.

Love,
Leah

P.S. Once you register for the class you also get to join our facebook community which is a fun place where we post pictures, stories, information, etc. Mostly we support each other even after the babies are born.

Oh yes, and we will drink tea together!

Today I started looking at my kitchen cupboards in a whole new way.

We moved into this house over a year ago (while I was very pregnant) but our dishes have stayed exactly wherever they haphazardly landed on moving day. Many of them are old and don’t have a purpose or even reflect our current lifestyle. We’ve grown and moved on but tried to take everything with us. Now we need room for sippy cups and beautiful coffee mugs to keep me awake!

Up until today though, I have just been trying to shove in our new dishes along with the old and unneeded ones. I’m so accustomed to the clutter that I’ve become blind to the fact that it wasn’t working for us. I realize that its not just about my odd collection of unmatched tupperware though. Its about the way I parent and the way that I approach my life.

Have I been trying to fit my new life into old models of living? Am I trying to have it all, and not really being present with anything? Is there space in my life for the new things that are trying to grow and take shape?

So today I cleaned out the cupboards and saw beautiful white space and it was really refreshing. I noticed how pretty and useful the remaining things were because I actually had room to see them.

To move, and grow, and change, you have to be willing to let go.

Pregnancy Affirmation: Right now, things in my body are shifting and changing to create space. I am becoming the perfect home for my baby and my energy is focused on this. In the same way, I can simplify and expand my life to make space for my child. I can accept this new season of life with my whole heart, knowing that I will have all the strength I need for each moment.

One of the things that has surprised me most about being a parent is the way that your brain is never off duty. It starts before they are even born, this feeling that their well being is connected to yours and that your life now carries a beautiful weight that is greater than just yourself. Whether your child is sleeping, in the care of someone else, or still safely tucked into your belly, you stay constantly dialed into their needs.

Its a beautiful gift to be able to nurture and protect another human being. It can be overwhelming at times though. There are so many choices to make, so many opinions, so many voices. Its hard to remember that the voice we need to hear the loudest is our own.

Right now, whether you are pregnant, preparing to adopt, or watching your children run around, remember that you have what it takes to be the best parent for them. The answer isn’t waiting outside somewhere, it’s already inside you. What they need most is for you to be aware, healthy, and present. It turns out that the best gift you can give your child is to believe in yourself.

Here is a pregnancy affirmation for those of you nurturing a baby on the inside of you, rather than outside. I’ll try to post one of these each week, especially when classes are in session.
Pregnancy Affirmation:

In this moment, I am enough! I have what it takes to be the best parent for my baby. Trusting my own instincts, I can make wise decisions for myself and my baby. My body knows how to care for my baby and how to help him/her gently into the world when the time comes. My job is to listen and tune into what I already know. I am not lacking anything.

Here is a picture from my own week of a time when I reminded myself that in this moment (with a half dressed baby, a floor full of food dropped from the highchair, a dirty diaper, a pile of unorganized boxes, and a beautiful son) I am enough!